The holiday season is here kids, and I’m sure we’re all excited. I love the holiday season. It’s such a festive time of year. The snow covers the autumn leaves you neglected to rake up during the fall months, people decorate their homes with more lights than the Las Vegas strip, and you can find chocolate on every desk in every department of the building you work in.
A few things I have observed during the holidays is that there are those who shop early and online to avoid the holiday rush. There are those people who shop at their local shopping malls and department stores, and then there are those people who think the holiday season has started on December 23rd.
As of years late, I have found myself to be a combination of the three types of shoppers, and this is what I hate about all of them.
The Smart Shopper: This shopper spends their shopping time buying gifts for their loved ones online at popular sites like Amazon.com, Buy.com, ebay and even Craigslist.com. This is the ultimate way to shop with minimal stress and to avoid the crowds at local stores. As a consumer, these are my favorite type of shopper. So why do I hate them? Because I know they’re going to be the ones, when asked how their holiday shopping is going, that are going to loudly answer back (for everyone to hear), “All my shopping is done! I started shopping back in February, and every single soul I know is going to remember the fabulous gift I had drop-shipped to their doorstep!” (insert visual of Red Ryder BB Gun shooting this person in the eye here) Ok go ahead and gloat at your holiday immortality! Everyone else hates you!
The Traditional Shopper: This shopper needs to evolve, and stray from the habitual hell they go through over and over and over. I hate this shopper the most!
This shopper is afraid to enter their credit card number, or any personal information for that matter, into a website, so they must brave the elements by hitting their local malls and stores and dealing with the guy (or gal) dressed as Santa who smells like Wild Turkey at every entrance and exit. Yeah… That person ringing the bell with the red bucket! Almost makes you wonder where that Andrew Jackson ($20) you could have spent on your adorable little nephew is really going.
These are the people who are cluttering up my favorite intersections on the road, contributing to the long lines at my favorite stores, and fighting over the last Wii console because their spoiled little brat has to have something to inspire them to be murdering psychopaths after playing the latest version of Streets of Death: The Apocalypse of Dead City (Rated M for Mature) on Christmas day!
These are also the people fueled by advertising. NOTHING brings in the holiday season like advertising. If it weren’t for advertising, the holiday season would probably come and go without very little hooplah! Whether it be print advertising or broadcast advertising, the holiday consumer relies on it to make their shopping decisions for them. If you don’t think the holidays are over commercialized, you definitely live in a region of the world where the wheel has yet to be invented.
And the spots on television, ugh! They’re horrible! Some are very well done but the jewelry commercials just kill me! “He went to Jared. He went to Jared. He went to Jared.” Good gawd…
RANT INTERUPTION:
These Jared spots are the worst commercials on television! If you have to mention the name of the company 90 times in a 30 second spot, you should be advertising on radio!!! Not only are these spots insulting, they are annoying and shameless (Note to Jared execs: Please hire a real television marketing firm). I mute them every time they interrupt my favorite shows. If you are a man, and you are going to Jared’s Jewelers, after watching their commercials, to be “that guy,” I hope you find yourself face-down in a pool of Drunken Santa’s urine (sorry Mom, I know that is very un-holiday-like, but I feel very strongly about this). I think my point has been made.
RANT INTERUPTION OVER:
Anyway… I look forward to seeing you all at Best Buy this holiday season, like looking forward to a visit to the dentist after beating the world record for sugar consumption in a month!
And last but certainly not least…
The Last Minute Shopper: I think we’ve all found ourselves in this position at one time or another. If you really want to make an impression on the people you love most, go browse through the isles on Christmas Eve. If you’re lucky, the store is already stocking for Valentines Day, but let’s be realistic here… Nothing says I care about you more, when you give them a Slurpee, from 7-11, for Christmas.
This is a very uncomfortable moment for any last minute shopper, but it’s “the thought that counts” right? Right… Some famous last minute gifts I have given before? Flannel shirts, twelve packs of beer, cartons of cigarettes, brake pads, sparkling cider…. Oh yeah! Why do I hate this shopper? I’m afraid I will be the recipient of gifts like these! Get off your ass off the couch or interrupt that schedule you think is busy, and give me an effing gift card or cash! If you get a gift card or cash from me this year, you’ll know I put a lot of thought into your gift. At least you won’t be holding up a tie with Sponge Bob Square-pants on Christmas morning!
So that’s what I hate about holiday shoppers.
What do I want for the holidays this year? GI Joe with the Hung Fu Grip.
Want me to send a Christmas card for you? Send $10.00
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!
eric
