ericcourtney.com

The holiday season is here kids, and I’m sure we’re all excited.  I love the holiday season.  It’s such a festive time of year.  The snow covers the autumn leaves you neglected to rake up during the fall months, people decorate their homes with more lights than the Las Vegas strip, and you can find chocolate on every desk in every department of the building you work in. 

A few things I have observed during the holidays is that there are those who shop early and online to avoid the holiday rush.  There are those people who shop at their local shopping malls and department stores, and then there are those people who think the holiday season has started on December 23rd. 

As of years late, I have found myself to be a combination of the three types of shoppers, and this is what I hate about all of them.

The Smart Shopper:     This shopper spends their shopping time buying gifts for their loved ones online at popular sites like Amazon.com, Buy.com, ebay and even Craigslist.com.  This is the ultimate way to shop with minimal stress and to avoid the crowds at local stores.  As a consumer, these are my favorite type of shopper.  So why do I hate them?  Because I know they’re going to be the ones, when asked how their holiday shopping is going, that are going to loudly answer back (for everyone to hear), “All my shopping is done!  I started shopping back in February, and every single soul I know is going to remember the fabulous gift I had drop-shipped to their doorstep!”  (insert visual of Red Ryder BB Gun shooting this person in the eye here) Ok go ahead and gloat at your holiday immortality!  Everyone else hates you!

The Traditional Shopper:   This shopper needs to evolve, and stray from the habitual hell they go through over and over and over.  I hate this shopper the most! 

This shopper is afraid to enter their credit card number, or any personal information for that matter, into a website, so they must brave the elements by hitting their local malls and stores and dealing with the guy (or gal) dressed as Santa who smells like Wild Turkey at every entrance and exit.  Yeah…  That person ringing the bell with the red bucket!  Almost makes you wonder where that Andrew Jackson ($20) you could have spent on your adorable little nephew is really going. 

These are the people who are cluttering up my favorite intersections on the road, contributing to the long lines at my favorite stores, and fighting over the last Wii console because their spoiled little brat has to have something to inspire them to be murdering psychopaths after playing the latest version of Streets of Death: The Apocalypse of Dead City (Rated M for Mature) on Christmas day!

These are also the people fueled by advertising.  NOTHING brings in the holiday season like advertising.  If it weren’t for advertising, the holiday season would probably come and go without very little hooplah!  Whether it be  print advertising or broadcast advertising, the holiday consumer relies on it to make their shopping decisions for them.  If you don’t think the holidays are over commercialized, you definitely live in a region of the world where the wheel has yet to be invented.

And the spots on television, ugh!  They’re horrible!  Some  are very well done but the jewelry commercials just kill me!  “He went to Jared. He went to Jared. He went to Jared.”  Good gawd… 

RANT INTERUPTION:

These Jared spots are the worst commercials on television!  If you have to mention the name of the company 90 times in a 30 second spot, you should be advertising on radio!!!  Not only are these spots insulting, they are annoying and shameless (Note to Jared execs:  Please hire a real television marketing firm).  I mute them every time they interrupt my favorite shows.  If you are  a man, and you are going to Jared’s Jewelers, after watching their commercials, to be “that guy,” I hope you find yourself face-down in a pool of Drunken Santa’s urine (sorry Mom, I know that is very un-holiday-like, but I feel very strongly about this).  I think my point has been made.

RANT INTERUPTION OVER:

Anyway…  I look forward to seeing you all at Best Buy this holiday season, like looking forward to a visit to the dentist after beating the world record for sugar consumption in a month!

And last but certainly not least…

The Last Minute Shopper:    I think we’ve all found ourselves in this position at one time or another.  If you really want to make an impression on the people you love most, go browse through the isles on Christmas Eve.  If you’re lucky, the store is already stocking for Valentines Day, but let’s be realistic here…  Nothing says I care about you more, when you give them a Slurpee, from 7-11, for Christmas. 

This is a very uncomfortable moment for any last minute shopper, but it’s “the thought that counts” right?  Right…  Some famous last minute gifts I have given before?  Flannel shirts, twelve packs of beer, cartons of cigarettes, brake pads, sparkling cider….   Oh yeah!  Why do I hate this shopper?  I’m afraid I will be the recipient of gifts like these!  Get off your ass off the couch or interrupt that schedule you think is busy, and give me an effing gift card or cash!  If you get a gift card or cash from me this year, you’ll know I put a lot of thought into your gift.  At least you won’t be holding up a tie with Sponge Bob Square-pants on Christmas morning!

So that’s what I hate about holiday shoppers.

What do I want for the holidays this year?  GI Joe with the Hung Fu Grip.

Want me to send a Christmas card for you?  Send $10.00

here!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!

1:    Iron Maiden

2:    Motley Crue

3:    Judas Priest

4:    Rush

5:    The Cult

Five:  Granted the emergence of the Cult really spread around the latter part of the 80's, this band was probably one of the most talented bands of the formula-fueled-heavy-metal era.  They more-than-deserve the respect of the rock status quo in a desperate time when grudge was starting to take over the scene.  This band took turbo-grooved metal to another level when other bands had thought they had already conquered that feat.  Releases like Love, Electric, and Sonic Temple are prime examples of what Rock-n-Roll really is.

Four:  Two words..  Moving Pictures.  No rock band in history has floated an album as successful as Rush has through an entire decade.  The track Tom Sawyer made fans out of hardcore rock enthusiasts everywhere when they listened to what a three piece ensemble from Canada released in 1981.  Moving Pictures proved to the rock world that, given the talent, a three piece rock band could sound like a symphony!  Once new fans listened to older LPs, it was love in it's rarest form. 

One reason why Rush stood out from other more hardcore bands was the skills of drummer, Neil Peart (pronounced p-yert, if you're wondering).  His lyrical genius and mind boggling pounding of the skins is a blessing to the genre.  In my opinion, this is the most talented band playing to this day.

Three:  Judas Priest.  If you liked your music hard, this was the band you listened to in the 80's.  Guitar solos from Glenn Tipton and KK Downing were the soundtrack to the decade for Metal-Heads all over the world. 

Granted lead singer, Rob Halford, shocked heavy metal fans everywhere by coming out of the closet in the late 90's, but who cares!  The dude effing rocks!  The range of this vocal rock god was second to none.  Listen to Green Manalishi off the Beast from the East LP.  If that isn't a good example, there are thousands of true fans that can give you a better one. 

I saw them twice.

Two:   I shouldn't even have to write a paragraph here...  This band would kick your ass if they were legless.  Motley Crue was the 80s. If you weren't listening to the Crue, you had no pulse.  Motley Crue was a Hollywood band that represented on levels unimaginable...  With a heavy influence from KISS, their music and stage show ruled all! 

If what you took away from the 80's was spandex and long hair, Motley Crue had a lot to do with pioneering that era.  They made "Glam-metal" as it is known today.  But they were the ONLY band that could back it up, unlike bands such as Firehouse and Poison (I have a feeling I'm going to catch hell for that). There is no other band, to this day, that can kick your ass like the Crue, while wearing makeup, spandex, and 4 cans of Aquanet each!

The baddest band of the 80's is Iron Maiden!

Why Maiden?  Listen to the music itself...  No band in this era (with the exception of Rush), is as tight, in sync, and well rehearsed as Iron Maiden.  The band plays as one.  I am not going to take away the talents of any lead singer who performed for  this band, but Bruce Dickinson landed a sweet gig when he joined the band.   Any serious musician today will tell you he/she has the utmost respect for the music produced by Iron Maiden, regardless of their personal philosophies or view on the genre.

I was fortunate enough to see them live during the height of their 80's heavy metal dominance, and they were unbelievable! BASS Player, Steve Harris, anchors Maiden's unique sound and can melt faces like no other bass player in the Kingdom; the Kingdom of Rock, that is.  Dispute it, or just agree to disagree.  Maiden reigned supreme in the 80s.

Honorable Mentions:  Metallica and Guns & Roses.  Metallica should really be on this list, but during the 80's they ruled the underground metal world with a steel fist.  They didn't start hitting the radio hard until late into the decade and then "exp-load-ed" in the 90s.  

As for G&R, Appetite for destruction could arguably be the baddest rock album ever.  But it did come late in the decade, and ridiculous band behavior turned this band to crap quick; shameful. 

ROCK ON!!!